So I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible and stopped going to Church. In that state of mind, I began to doubt the existence of God! “ What if there really wasn’t God after all?” My doubt and anger erupted into fireballs when in the throes of it all, my brother died. How does a God who is said to be all that greatness, goodness, kindness, merciful, gracious allow such grief all at once??
But gradually I began to Find Release in praise and worship songs. I brought out my hymns of praise and buried my soul in songs…My Redeemer lives by Nicole Mullen @nicolecmullenofficial was top on my play list.. the song eulogized God so much it gave me hope and then dashed my hope again when I couldn’t immediately find the peace I longed for. He was supposed to be the one whose words alone can catch a falling star, the one who runs to the weary the weak and holds us when we are broken; so where was He?? I saw myself as the lost sheep who God abandoned inspite of his promise to leave all 99 sheep and come looking for me.
Then one day, while in the middle of deep reflections and meditation I realized that I was the one who moved and that God Never moved away . He was always there but the rage of my heart wouldn’t let me hear him. He was always in the cloud, he was in the depression with me which was why I wasn’t totally consumed and eclipsed by it. Then gradually I allowed him back in. I opened the Bible again and read aloud what His words said concerning my fears, anxiety and how he has given me a sound mind. I then understood that indeed, God is the “prodigal” father who “squanders” his love, his wealth, grace, affection upon us… God is so EXTRA in his love!
what are you going through right now? Don’t lock God out. There’s is no healing outside of God. Cry, grieve but not without Him…He will drop that Dew of quietness on you till all your striving cease… Anticipate my book DUST by Betty Irabor.. coming 2018!
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Where is God when you need Him??
A few years ago during my mental health challenge i shut God out. If He couldn’t pull me out, then it was pointless praying to Him.